Most people think I'm like Monk. While I don't believe myself to be so neurotic, I do know about some stuff that many people are too ignorant to consider.
The Three Second Rule
Have you ever known anyone to drop a piece of food on the floor (or ground even) and then pick it up and eat it, because they said that since it touched for less than three seconds it was okay? This person is stupid.
If you leave your hand in a bowl of cake batter for three seconds, you still have cake batter all over your hand. The same works with the billions of tiny invisible germs that are on the floor or ground. As soon a your food has touched it, it becomes acquainted with anything that happens to be on the floor (which may include E.coli for all you know). Now, some of you may wonder howcome you don't get a rip roaring case of E.coli (or whatever other bacteria you injest) from eating food off the floor; that is because there is some immunity within the human body. However, if Rotavirus is running rampant and you expose yourself to it by eating nasty food off of a nasty floor, then there is a strong chance that you could get it.
So, to be smart: don't eat food off your freaking floor. It's uncivilized AND dumb.
God Made Dirt, Dirt Don't Hurt
If you believe there is a God, and you believe He made dirt, then I'm guessing you'd believe that He also made the diseases which dirt carries. This kinda goes with the above section: don't be an idiot and eat shit off the ground. It's just not right.
Try Everything Once
I can think of a lot of incidences where this bit of "advice" is stupid.
For instance: not only is ecstacy illegal (which alone is a reason why you shouldn't do it), but it can also kill you the first time you try it. So, sure, it may make you feel like you're having orgasms everytime you touch your livingroom wall, but it's just not a good idea.
And then there is the puffer fish. I don't know the statistics about how likely it is you'll die if you eat it, but consider the fact that the poison in puffer fish is 1200 times deadlier than cyanide. Do you really want to try puffer fish "at least once" now?
You know, there are so many things that a lot of people want to do "at least once" that are really dumb and certainly lethal. I don't have enough time and energy to name them all, so I will offer this grain of wisdom: since the people who quote the phrase "try everything once" want to get the most out of life, it's probably not a good idea to do things to end it or ruin it in the prime of it. And no, the risk is not a rush -- it's just stupid and if you were twenty years wiser, you'd know that.
You Only Live Once
If you believe this is true, then I'd assume you'd want to get the most out of life; getting the most out of life does not involve doing something so reckless you get yourself (or others) killed, maimed, or disgraced.
It's Worth It
If you have to tell yourself that, then it probably isn't.
It Isn't Worth It
If someone has to tell you that, then they're probably right.
I'll Just Put It On My Credit Card
It's one of the stupidest phrases someone can say. And I'll make this really simple: if you don't have the cash for something and it's not a life and death situation, then you don't need it.
Things you don't need:
*A $400 coat when you already have a perfectly good one that keeps you warm.(And if you didn't have a coat, you could find one for less that would keep you just as warm.)
*Red high heels. Red high heels are a want. They are not a need. I realize the concept that there is a difference between "wants" and "needs" is very difficult for the children of Baby Boomers (who lead very poorly by example), living in first world countries. But they need to learn. Seriously. Red high heels would not be considered a necessity to anyone not in the above demographic.
*Clothes for your dogs. Unless you're worth as much as Paris Hilton, you have better things to spend your (or your parent's) money on than clothes for your dogs. Maybe if your dog is an outdoor dog and it's very cold where you live, he or she might need a sweater, but no dog needs a princess costume. There is never an occasion where a dog would need a princess costume. And if your dog already has a princess costume, know that it traumatizes her (or him) every time you put it on them, and they long for the day when they can rip it to shreads and bury it in the backyard so you can never find it. Ever again.
See, dogs are so pure and innocent, they are of the conviction that if they do destroy their princess costume, you won't be dumb enough to buy them a new one exactly like it. (That also comes with their immense amount of trust in you, which deminishes every time you betray them by clothing them in ridiculous attire.)
*Wigs for babies. Your baby does not need a wig. Your baby does not want a wig. And everyone around you will think you're disgusting if you put one on him or her.
*A Wii. As awesome as they are and as bad as I want one, I know they are simply that: a want. And seeing as how they are a want, I know I will never have one until I've spent my money on my needs. Which means I'll probably never have one. And I'm prepared for that.
*Alcohol. Alcohol is not a need. It's a want. Sure, if you're addicted, you feel like you need it. But you don't really. And that money you spend on buying alcohol could better be spent on buying gasoline for your car so you can get to work in the morning without asking your friends for money or a ride.
So yeah: if you can't afford twenty dollars in gasoline, you can't afford a bottle of Crown. And if your tank is on empty and you feel like you need the Crown more than the gasoline, then you're most likely an alcoholic and probably should take steps towards quitting or at the very least cutting way down.
On the opposite side of the coin, there are some things that everybody needs, and you should not purchase any of your wants until you have them:
*Food. Food and water are very important. You can't live without them. So don't freaking spend your grocery money on a Wii, you rebarb.
*Shelter. Shelter is very important as well. It's a very high priority, because without out shelter, you would be homeless. That is why paying your rent or house payment (and by default utilities) is more important than buying really expensive shoes or speakers for your car.
*Healthcare. If it's between getting a video game console or having health insurance, go for the health insurance. Medical bills are a bitch as it is; they're an even worse bitch if you don't have insurance.
And going along with healthcare: if it's between letting your tooth go bad or going to the beach, get your tooth fixed. The beach will always be there, but you won't be if you die.
*Basic clothes. In America, you have to have clothes on in public or else they arrest you. And for your job's sake, you have to have clothes appropriate to said job. So, before you spend $200 dollars on designer jeans that make your butt look hot, spring for a power suit (or a more fashionable alternative). The only way you will ever have $200 designer jeans is if you keep your job.
*A car. A car is very important if you live in a rural area without public transportation. (How else would you get to your job?) While rims may seem like a really cool idea to losers, they are not imparative to the functioning of the car, so they are a want; not a need.
And while we're on the subject: you are not entitled to a "cute car". If you can't pay your bills and/or it's not you even paying for the car, you -- in no way -- deserve a cute car. You deserve whatever car someone is gracious enough to buy for you and unless it's a literal deathtrap, you shouldn't complain. (And if you do complain over a non-deathtrap, you need to get a reality check and realize that in most countries, every sixteen-year-old does not have a car.)
Unexpected Bills
My grandmother brought this one up to me and she is so right. The gist of it is: how could you possibly have an unexpected bill? You run your credit card up, you get a bill. It's that simple. You have a surgery, a bill will soon follow. So, so simple and yet some people are all like: *smacks head* "Where did THAT come from?"
And they're imbeciles.
While I'm ranting (and being right), I would like to take the opportunity to list some things that aren't cool:
*Killing. Killing's not cool, for whatever reason. While there are some things worth dying for, nothing is worth killing for. We'll all be dead in 200 years anyway.
*Purposely hurting someone who cares for you. There's no excuse. Especially when they've done nothing to you.
*Putting yourself before others when you've never put others before yourself. Your children are more important than you. They are the future. You're the past. So get over it and help them out while you still can. Do right by them and maybe they'll know enough to not run the world into the ground in the way so many of you have.
*Lack of sympathy. Always pity those who know less than you, or those who are in more need than you are. If you don't feel sorry for them, then you don't know how lucky you are; if that's the case, you need a swift kick in the ass.
(Some might say I lack sympathy by calling people losers, rebarbs, and berating them for stupidity, but that's not true. All that stuff is just my way of showing I care.)
*Lack of charity. The world will never be better unless you make it better. Always help those who are in need. If you think you'll get nothing in return for it, then you've really learnt nothing in life.
*Lack of love. Nothing justifies it. Love goes hand in hand with charity and compassion. If you have neither, you aren't capable of love; if you aren't capable of love, then you truly have nothing.
*Lack of tolerance. Sure, there are some things that are just intolerable. But tolerate the things you should tolerate -- the things that don't hurt anyone.
Let people worship the way they want to (or not worship, if they don't want to). Let men marry men; women marry women. It's all the same, if it doesn't hurt you. No matter what you believe, it's not about you. It's about them. So, whether you think they're doing is right or wrong, it's their rights and their wrongs. Not yours.
Freedom of speech goes along with that. "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." -Evelyn Beatrice Hall, The Friends of Voltaire
Any society that can honestly call itself civil would have this attitude (though I will point out that defending to the death shouldn't be necessary in a civilized society). I disagree with what a lot of idiots say in this country, but as long as it's not illegal, it's no one's business but their own. It can be as hurtful or as mean-spirited as all get out -- that's what freedom is about.
But "with freedom comes responsibility". You're responsible for what you say. You should have the compasion, the consideration, the intellect, and the wisdom to know what is right and wrong to say. And you shouldn't knowingly say wrong things. Because that would be lying, which brings me to:
*People who lie are not cool. Saying one thing; doing another -- that takes an extraordinary amount of cowardice.
I would be quick to forgive someone who told a lie without meaning to. (After all, we all hold firm, but false, convictions), but I'm not so quick to forgive someone who purposely lies. Like I said: it reeks of cowardice and says that you don't respect the person whom you're lying to. (Which is why it's so bad to lie to people you allegedly care about. It's funny how most people lie to their family and friends more than they lie to anyone else.)
*People who play games with people. Girls are more likely to do it than boys (which is probably why I'm more quickly friends with males than females). No one deserves to have their head played with. If you want to know whether or not your boyfriend wants to have kids, ask him. Don't plan some intricate game where he has to babysit your sister's kids while you coax the smoke alarm into going off. It's just not right and it's really not cool.
You know, it's been proven that men at rest basically think about nothing, whereas women at rest are thinking about everything. The wheels are always turning, which is why women stress out, play games, and yell a whole lot.
But we still rock.
And I guess that's where I'll leave you; before I do, however, know that I don't pretend to know everything. I'm not infalible and don't really want to be (how boring would that become?), but I have discovered some things in my 18 1/2 years of existance that a lot of people could benefit from.
Later, amigos.
P.S. It doesn't really feel like Christmas. I wonder what's up with that. Could it be the 70f weather we've been having recently? Or is it the lack of Christmas music I've heard so far?
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